I received a heartfelt request this month which I feel I must respond to.

"Keep the great stories coming," wrote Natalie Fuller, "but can you please put more similes in your text."

She's got a point. I don't use many similes in my books. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I was away when we did them at school. Or perhaps I was there, but that day I was feeling as bored as an item of wooden furniture full of those little worm-like insects that eat wood, what are they called, that's right, borers.

Hmmm. See, I'm not very good at similes at all. But I'm not going to let that stop me using more. In fact I've decided that from now on I'm going to toss similes around like a bull in a simile shop.

Unfortunately, though, Natalie, I can't do anything about the books I've already written. Not unless I go round to all the libraries and bookshops with a pen and write more similes in by hand. Which would be as slow as emptying a goldfish bowl through a straw. And almost as exhausting. But probably not as hard on the goldfish.

Hang on, that's not a simile. Boy, you've really got to concentrate in this simile business. Or rather, in this simile business you've got to concentrate like a... um... manufacturer of concentrated orange juice?

Luckily Paul Jennings is better than me at similes. That's the good thing about writing a story with another author, you can help each other out. For example, when Paul and I first started working on Deadly, our new six-part novel, I said to Paul, "Let's try and make this story soar like a beagle," and Paul just gave me a sympathetic look and said "Probably best if I do the similes".

I had hoped I'd be able to tell you this month that Deadly is finished, but it's not quite. We've decided to keep working on it for a bit longer because we don't just want it to be funny, exciting, scary and unexpected, we want it to be as funny as a barrel full of monks, as exciting as a 42 kilometre roller coaster, as scary as a 42 kilometre roller coaster if they haven't fumigated it and there are spiders, and as unexpected as a soaring beagle.

Hey, this isn't so hard after all. Oo-roo till next time and may everything you read be as clear as glass, as rewarding as a Lotto win and as full of really good similes as a... as a... well, you know what I mean.

6 June 2000