are often a bit nervous about reading what the critics have got to say. I certainly am, but that's probably because I got my first bad reviews at quite a young age. Boy, some of those teachers at my primary school really knew how to go for the jugular. And my high school teachers weren't much better, they just used longer words.

I still shudder when I think of some of the things they wrote about me in my school reports. The gym teacher was scathing about my attempts to complete a cartwheel. So was the woodwork teacher. Nowdays, when I read a review of one of my books and I see the phrase 'spends too much time talking to his neighbours' I just go to pieces.

If you'd like to inspect some of the gory details, click on a report to see a larger version. Please be prepared to wait a few seconds - they're large files and long words like 'incompetent' and 'dishevelled' take a bit more time to download than short words like 'bright' and 'dux'.